Blog review by the Newquays Vice Captain and PAFCs number 11
Squad: Hornsby, Tyrie, Westgate, Gratton-Heatley, Jordan, Stubbs, Cartwright, Adlam, Boddy, Boffey
A depleted squad of 10 headed to Newquay on Friday 19th June for a national 7-a-side tournament which included our 2 specialist goalkeepers forced to play outfield, operation-waiting Hornsby in between the sticks and the perennially injured playboy Jon Stubbs only semi fit.
Concerns had been raised by Big Bill Scolari over no official management leading the squad especially with Boddy included. The fears were almost realized within about 3 hours of the team's arrival as the excitable Boddy was close to going off the rails.
Seven pints down and still only 4pm, the only thing that can stop Boddy drinking is football so El Capitano Westgate made the call of a beach football game. Some may call this an inspired managerial choice. The players on the opposite side to hatchet-man Gratton-Heatley maybe disagreed as Jordan, Boffey and Cartwright all came off the pitch injured and doubtful for the big kick off.
Ten pints later, a short nap, seeing a dead seagull tied around someone's door handle in our 5 star accommodation and the greasiest fry-up on earth, Puerto Del Slade finally took to the field. Despite bigging himself up as a cross between Ronaldo and Messi prior to the tournament Boddy didn't turn up and was in fact only there in body. It was therefore left to Jan Koller's younger brother, The Boff to lead the attacking line, scoring 3 and assisting Jordan for the only other goal of the day. A mixed day finished with a record of P5 W2 D1 L2 F4 A3. Two poor team performances along with 2 inspired victories left us on tenterhooks for progression to the knock out stage.
With the boys suffering from fatigue, sunburn and a range of muscle injuries a quiet night was had by the majority of the team although the players showed their appreciation for Westgate''s trip organization with the unveiling of a well deserved present. We'd also gained a new player with Gratton-Heatley sporting a tash that transformed him into a Timothy Dalton look a-like. Hilarious.
Onto the final day and the team gingerly woke up all feeling a bit sorry for themselves. However, the managerial dream team of Westgate and Jordan perked things up and managed to get them on the pitch! After a tactical discussion beforehand we agreed to break tradition with the Portslade philosophy and actually play the ball on the carpet. Even the badly sunburnt Cat (Hornsby) was allowed to bowl the ball out to the full backs. Wild. We were not be is disappointed either as our final league game brought us a deserved 0-0 draw with the league leaders who had a 100 percent record. Onto the knockout stages!
After 2 VERY comfortable victories the boys landed in the semi finals. Looking strong and confident at the back so far at this stage - most likely to do without the threat of own goal king Nozinho - the semi didn't start as planned and Portslade found themselves 2 goals down. The ever dependable Boff dragged us back in the game with a neat finish. Still no sign of Boddy yet but as the fans started to huddle around - more importantly a few girls teams - he found his groove and smashed us back to 2-2. Onto penalties. A nerve racking shootout ensued with ALL our players scoring. A new first for Portslade ! A medal was now guaranteed.
The final is where we peaked with a 5-1 demolition inspired by great performances from every member of the squad. We quickly took the lead and a suddenly a refreshed Boddy banged in a brace with the crowd mistakenly chanting his name "Jason. Jason, Jason". The best was yet to come though as Westgate broke forward - reminiscent of Tony Adams winner v Everton at the climax of 97-98 season - and smashed in a volley. Wild celebrations began with Jordan on the bottom of ladies team bundle and Westgate on top. Luckily no-one got injured.
Although every squad member was magnificent the stand out player of the tournament was the Scottish warrior Dougal (with Jordan getting 1 vote. Thanks Boff!) . Defending like Colin Hendry in his prime the best flame haired player at the club was inspirational throughout.
All in all a fantastic weekend and another trophy for Big Bill Scolaris mantelpiece. Bring on next years Euro-trip!
18/05/09 Blog by PAFC's (injured) No 8
As I sit here and contemplate my future in the game, I feel it's a good opportunity to reflect on some of the injuries we have seen in football and discuss how Portslade overcame an injury hit season to still lift some silverware.
I won't dwell on my injury for too long; similar to Alan Smiths fractured and dislocated ankle that was 'facing Hong Kong' I will be back playing within the next 12 months. I suppose this gives John Boddy some time to practice and one day be as good as me. A metal plate and a strategically placed screw will give me a new and improved bionic leg that can run all day; I think Essien has two of them.
Over the season, injuries have plagued the Portslade squad, rarely has Bill Withers had the chance to pick from a 24-man squad. Like David Moyes, Big Bill Clifford has had to adapt his formations, his team and his tactics due to the injuries we have laid victim to this season.
Only few players, such as myself, Jordan (not the bird with the big tits), Boddy, Westgate and a few others have been able to play injury free, many would suggest that this is because these players are not weak and man up in challenges, unlike some of the following
When we talk of appalling injuries, Henrik Larsson's 1999 leg break in a European tie at Lyon, David Busst's double compound fracture against Manchester United and of course the horrific injury Norris received against Amex at the Theatre of wet Dreams spring to mind. Larsson was out for over 12 months, his rehabilitation testing his true character. Unfortunately, because of infections caught from the injury, David Busst never played professional football again, Coventry City losing a great ambassador to the game. Many fans across Portslade suspect some similar had happened to Paul Norris, the Slade’s inspirational ginger, and hard working right back when he went down with what can only be described as a 7 year old girls scream that echoed around Victoria Park. This followed what seemed to be a fair challenge by the Amex winger; however, Norris failed to get up from the tackle.
Nozaldinho was taken to hospital straight after the game and Clifford, the players and the fans were praying the damage would only be minor, an acute fracture perhaps, but rumours of the extent of the injury were spreading like wild fire, shattered ankle? Snapped tibia? Shattered ankle and snapped tibia?! It seemed Portslade's linchpin had been broken.
After a distressing 24 hours for Clifford, the backroom staff and the playing staff, news finally filtered through that Paul Norris had in fact sustained 'a bruise'. According to medics a bruise is simply a small impact wound that causes slight swelling. It seemed we had witnessed a miracle and Cliffords prayers had been answered. Amen.
Despite the bruise the little ginger coconut was back playing just a week later, I think you will all agree, that shows hes a true leader dedicated to the cause and without him we wouldn't have reached such heights.
Another injury prone player that had a stop-start season is The Playboy. Often dubbed 'Sicknote' by his fellow team mates, John Stubbs only managed 8 starts this season as a result of his array of injuries. The playboy often misses training, much like Ledley King, as his body is not able to hack too much exercise. Instead, Stubbsy enjoys breaks in such places as Monaco with close friend Lewis Hamilton and all of the Pussycat Dolls draped over him, even the old ugly one.
After his cocaine fuelled sex romp that was well documented in 2004, the Playboy vowed to focus purely on football, unfortunately, like his hero Georgie Best, Stubbs has been seen falling out of various clubs such as Movida and Mahiki where he has previously reportedly assaulted a female bouncer and snorted powder with Prince Harry.
His lavish but wayward behaviour hasn't gone unnoticed at Portslade, Clifford who claims in his highly anticipated autobiography called 'Portslade AFC, My Kids, My Wife In That Order' (Pre-order at www.amazon.co.uk/cliffordbill for £26.99 Hardback ) to have 'eyes and ears everywhere' has fined Stubbs numerous times, with a club record of 3 rounds in the Romans. During the 2005/06 season Stubbs was undoubtedly the most influential player in the league and attracted attention for the right reasons and was soon sold to Sunderland AFC.
However, The Playboy made some questionable pals at his new club, becoming close friends with Liam Lawrence. After a night out, doing what the he does best, John Stubbs, Liam Lawrence and many of the Sunderland squad gave one lucky reader an evening she'll never forget. The incident was caught on film and Stubbs was sold back to Slade before he could even pull his Calvin Kleins up.
Back at Slade, Sicknote seems to have found a balance between his football and his playboy lifestyle and Bill Withers and the boys hope he can be a real threat next season not only to the women but the opposition too.
Another star plagued with injury is my partner in crime, Tom Ryan. In his Sunday Times column, Alan Hanson likened us to the Carlton Palmer/David Platt partnership England fielded in the early nineties. Unfortunately Ryan is a part time professional Snowboarder and so his time is split, often resulting in him missing games for Slade.
This season Ryan suffered from a shoulder injury caused by his weight training. The World #149th Freestyle Snowboarder was reportedly doing one armed press ups with a baby on his back when suddenly he collapsed rupturing his shoulder.
More headaches then for Bill and the backroom staff, especially after losing Matt Hornsby early in the season to old age. Hornsby, who drinks WKD blue, has been battling for many seasons against old age and arthritis in his knee but this season succumbed his bodys wishes and stopped playing, but still managed to give two penalties away in his few appearances.
So as we look to preseason training, we can only hope the boys look after themselves, tame their extravagant social lives and man up if they get kicked. A solid end to the season during 2008/09 means the Portslade team have a great opportunity to lift more silverware in the new campaign.
An injury free squad will be a relief to the gaffa who will want to pick from a fully fit squad, giving him fewer headaches on a Friday night and his wife more attention on a Saturday night. A result all round.
Come on the Slade!
05/03/09 Blog by PAFC's No 8
Over my illustrious playing career thus far, I have played alongside many different kinds of captain. From the inspiring to the example setter to the motivator to the down right scary. I believe playing with such characters has led me to become, not necessarily the player I am, but certainly the type of person I am on the pitch.
My footballing mentor and agent, Marco Van Goodwin is a former captain himself. Very much like Brian Robson, Van Goodwin lead by example, constantly encouraging his colleagues. Marco has always told me to encourage your team mates always, never moan, this isn't the most astounding piece of advice ever given but something that has stuck with me.
In terms of being an all round captain you would ideally take aspects of certain players characters. If I asked you to name the premiership's best ever captains, you would no doubt say Keane, Viera, Adams, Terry, Gerrard and Hierro. And what do they all have in common? They are all model professionals, with the exception of Terry the dirty racist*. But that aside, they are all winners and great leaders of men, but, each have their own style.
Keane was a perfectionist, Gerrard leads by example, takes the game by the scruff of the neck, Adams was a fantastic talker and like Terry, the die hard defender that wears his heart on his sleeve (yet still a dirty racist*). And Hierro, captain of all captains was an all round top professional, and with his charisma, gave great clubs such as Real Madrid, Bolton and Al Rayyan the 12th man on the field.
As club captain and great servant to the game T Murphy was hampered by injury and struggled to make an impact at the start of the season, Portslade were sad to see such a great player retire the armband. Portslade then, had a captains roll to fill.
During the Pre Season here at Portslade, rumours had it that Big Bill Scolari had pulled an Allardyc and brought Hierro to the club. The town went crazy. Everywhere you went Spanish flags were flying, people were smiling, drinking sangria, eating Tapas, cooking paella throwing tomatoes at each other and playing with massive bulls. El Capitan was on his way and the people of Portslade were excited for the new season.
Clifford was obviously trying to get a steady figure, perhaps a father figure in place ease the young ones in, offer great experience and show class never shown in the Premier Division before. Unfortunately, Hierros transfer was not completed. His agent, a certain Mr Enrique Inglaseias was demanding too much, and ruined the transfer for Fernando; apparently he returned to Madrid and beat his straw donkey with a stick. A Spanish tradition that demonstrates disappointment.
So with the Hierro deal out of the window, Big Bill had many decisions to make in terms of captaining his side.
At this point Clifford picked up me, Dave Goodwin. Many had linked Goodwin with Brighton Electricity as he had a bright future, he was lightening quick and his through balls could split an atom, let alone a defence. However, it was a shock to many of the public that he signed for the Slade. But not to Clifford or Goodwin, they both knew this club was destined for greatness.
Goodwin is an obvious candidate for a captaincy roll, having captained many of his youth teams, he knows that encouragement is vital he leads by example and knows at times players need to be bollocked. Just like Jenas captaining Forest at 19 he is full of youthfulness, passion and competitiveness, however this can get in the way of his judgement, as weve seen on a handful of occasions this season, which lead to the backroom staffs unanimous decision that he is one for the future.
Paul Westgate is thought of by some, certainly all at PAFC, as the greatest goalkeeper that ever lived....in Portslade. His professionalism around the training ground and on match days is second to none. For any of you kids wanting to be footballers at the highest local level, you should study the way Mr Westgate carries himself. Not only is he arguably the best goal keeper in the premier division but a great friend with so much to give; when you're having a bad game he'll be the first to put his arm round you. A real contender for the armband.
Making his 200th appearance this season was Paul Nozinho Norris, an outstanding, fully committed full back; the peoples captain. He models himself on the Brazilian great Cafu, a true winner that has lead his nation to world cup victory. The literal translation of 'Nozinho' is 'little ginger coconut' and he fits the bill perfectly; hard and hairy on the outside, but with flowing milk on the inside. He is a great talker, a team player with great experience always the first on the team sheet, after Westy.
Being quarter Brazilian myself, I understand how he has developed his skills. As a young boy, Nozinho came over on a banana boat (inflatable) from Brazil with nothing more than a pair of football boots. He soon found solace in a coconut and practiced his skills with it on the pebble beach of Brighton. Portslade were quick to sign him in the mid 1990's and have developed his game. Back room staff spent hours with him watching video footage of Cafu. Nozinho soon took on board what was required and instantly became a fans favourite despite numerous own goals.
Through the years Paul 'Nozinho' Norris has become one of the best defenders of his time, a great professional around the club with so much dedication and commitment.
I think you will all agree with me that he is the best choice of leader and will be proud walking out on Cup Final day behind him.
*all opinions are that of the author and not of the Portslade Athletic Football Club
26.02.09 Blog by David Goodwin, PAFC's No 8.
I really hope the club can rekindle the spirit of the 1969/70 season and bring some much deserved success back to the Theatre of Wet Dreams that is Victoria Rec and deep down I really believe this can happen as we enter the home straight of the season.
Its been a long hard 6 months with many ups and downs and the squad has been tested, stretched and tested again. The forced domains and dynamics shaped the team, natural forces bringing about evidence of an evolving squad.
Walk outs from players, outbursts by management and a failure to secure regular centre halves has really caused the 'Slade players to be put to the test. Despite the much criticised chaotic start to the season the lads have really come of age and stood up to be counted. A little known philosopher Bill Clifford once said "It's not how you react when things are going well, its important how you react in the face of adversity.... in anything you do." and this was reiterated throughout the early stages of a staggered start to the season. And the boys listened.
Some of the younger players, namely myself and Tom Ryan, were becoming, frustrated with results, the team seemed to pick its self, like Ferguson, Clifford had his favourites. Mickey seemed to be the twinkle in his eye, the Giggs of the team, never let him down, then there was Robson in the form of T.Murphy a tremendous footballer that had done all there was to do in the game, but questions were asked over his commitment, did Murphy want to move into management, was the game passing him by? Next was his ever reliable, ever committed right back Paul 'Nozinho' Norris who played week in week out, often referred to as the Gary Neville of the team. A structure was clearly in place, Clifford knew what he liked and he stuck to it.
However, in the early stages of the season, the youth players such as I, were knocking on the door and knocking loudly, Tom Ryan was recovering from injury and was showing his potential that had brought him all the attention as a young player. John Stubbs, the playboy, too, was gaining fitness after his well documented pre season South American excursions. Some talent was also fast emerging from the seconds; a certain Mr Boffey was scoring goals for fun, surely he deserved a place in the firsts?
After an early bad run of results, cracks were starting to show, injuries to major players, notably Hornsby, an influential midfielder in yester years was suffering badly, a heal problem was causing Murphy to miss vital fixtures. John Boddy was suffering with a loss of confidence and as we know all too well, when Boddys head has gone, his body has no head and the Boddy uses his head too much, thinking himself out of games and more importantly, goals.
So the gaffers hand was forced. Changes were made. Times were changing. A new year and a new look. Portslade began to move forward. In the dressing room, differences were settled, a brave move by the backroom staff to initiate. New tactics were coupled with new belief and a new force began to evolve.
Some would say it has been a survival of the fittest, not only with the club and the team but within the league. As Portslade grew, teams began to falter, AMEX no longer the front runners, Ovingdean dropping points, suddenly every team became beatable.
For us the tide was turned away to Brighton Electricity. By no means a classy game, not PAFC's best performance by a long way, but when you're down at the bottom, results are what matter. On a cold December Saturday, we put in a gutsy performance that changed the shape of the season; lead by our rock Westgate and with inspirational team talks by Clifford we carved out a much deserved 2-1 victory. The New Year was going to be something to look forward to.
6 league games later and were 8 points better off, playing some great football and the cherry on top, a cup final place. I think everyone would agree had we been this tight-knit at the start, we'd have a great chance at the title, but I'm sure Arsenal are saying the same. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
So with four games left, Portslade are looking to secure their Premier League status and bring home some silverware, a feat that is by no means unreachable. New players have come in, senior players have left, influential players are blossoming and younger players are maturing; Portslade is changing.
Now a new lively atmosphere graces the training pitch, players are smiling again and with the prospect of last few games and what we can achieve, why the hell not?!